I mean, I really don't know where to begin with this. I guess I could start by summing everything up saying everything in my life is a process, especially my creativity. I feel like I have been on an intense self analyzing journey the past 5 years or so. Most of the time it had felt really confusing and I felt like I was wondering around aimless not knowing fully who I was anymore. As I speak, I am mainly talking about my creative process, but really that spills over into almost every area of my life, it's sort of all weaved in the same web.
I have so much I am thankful for. Healthy amazing children, a husband who adores me and who is so supportive of my endeavors, these things I am so grateful to have. This journey that I have been on, questioning who I am, what I am made to do started shortly after I had our precious boy 7 years ago. Before kids, I felt very self assured of who I was and that I was made a creative person and that I could not be put in a box. I loved the process of painting, that is what my emphasis was in college. I loved the process of cooking, almost dropped out of college to go to culinary school, well, really I loved and was passionate about the process of a lot of things. I was totally fine with getting lost while I was driving because I got to see something new. I was happy running into someone I never met before and chatting about something that I was not planning on chatting about and having my schedule altered. It was usually ok if I worked on a painting for 10 hours and then I decided that I didn't like it and needed to start clean and paint over it. I am not a musician, but music is a passion of mine too. Listening to music for hours, uninterrupted was normal and part of my growth as a creative person. I think deep down I knew that ultimately these things would make me better in the end and it would give me a deeper understanding of who I was and would give me a better piece of art in the end. I LOVED the process.
After life settled in more the process that I was used to started to seem incredibly inconvenient and the dreamer that I was once was seemed just plain impracticable. I couldn't get lost any more while driving, that would throw everyones schedule off. I had to plan things more, planning too much still stresses me out. The creative process I used to know was not the same. I was used to big chunks of time to paint, to process. Now those big chunks were tiny windows. I have to say again, all of the new things in my life, I counted as blessings, I was just really confused to where all my creativity went. Me being artistic and a painter was a huge definiative of who I was to myself. I didn't really know that person anymore. I had a HUGE creative block for years! I still painted, I worked on commissions. Nothing that I felt passionate about. I tried to dabble in other mediums, I was ok at those things, never felt passionate the way I used to about painting. I tried to think of ways to use my creativity and be more lucrative. I stated feeling like my creativity was a curse. It felt so complicated and frustrating. I mean, I knew deep down who I was and who I was made to be but I could not get that person to come out anymore. I had so much passion in me that just felt completly blocked and confused. I sort of didn't know who I was anymore.
This is so weird to write because there is so much to everyones story but you just can't tell it all in a sitting. I am horrible about trying to tell a story on a whim. I can sit and chat for hours with anyone, but trying to narrow something down, I'm horrible. Let me fast forward a bit. So, deep down I knew that I was still the old me, I would paint again. With all my heart I wanted to make my creativity and painting my job, along with all my other jobs, hats, and responsibilites that I have. For a while I would describe to people how I felt like this. Actually I think I saw a Charlie Brown episode(profound) where Lucy was running waving her hands in the air screaming something. That was how I pictured myself running down a hallway waving my hands in air screaming, "if I can't paint, I'm not going to paint at all!" So dramatic! I didn't have bigger chunks of time to paint, my mind was blocked. I also thought I could wear 20 hats and be good at all of them. I thought I could homeschool my kids, be an artist, be a wife, be a friend, exercise most days, cook multiple times a day, teach other children, etc. I think some people can do all of this, I finally realized I could not do all of this.
Fast forward again. I am at a point in my life now that I am more aware than I have ever been of who I am and how I was made to be. That creative block is gone. I have larger periods to paint. I can also prioritize more and my creativity flows more evenly when I just get paint on canvas everyday. I see things like I used to but maybe in a fuller perspective. Man, I am so thankful I had all those hard years of self realiztion. It really made me more confident of knowing how I was made to be. I have to paint. I can't not do it. It is my first love in a creative sense and I will always go back to it. It is part of what defines me. In the last couple of years I have focused in on what I like to paint. Color, texture and pattern are what I think of most. I paint right now, abstractly. This way of painting allows me focus and build on the elements that are important to me right now. Through this process I have realized how sensitive my creativity is and how I need to nurture that. It is wrapped up into every ounce of who I am. I have to listen to music all of the time. I have to repurpose clothes all of the time to make them unique and make them me. I have to have a certain aesthetic to my home that is me. I have to eat at certain restaurants. None of this defines who I am, it just adds to who I am. I love beautiful things. That is truly something that is in the eye of the beholder. I am so glad to be creative and an artist in one sense because I think I can see beauty in the mundane and the ordinary, there is so MUCH beauty in all of life. I just have to keep focusing on what makes my creative process alive. Right now with my painting, I think that what I just said is what I want reflected in my work. There is beauty in the mundane and ordinary. I like to use pretty, aesthetically pleasing, calm colors, but I want there to be a sense of movement, grit, and energy that you get from texture and pattern. My painting reflects a sense of who I am too. I have a love for fashion and beauty, but I am such a tomboy and love getting sweaty and dirty.
In the last year I have had a number of prompts with painting that have fallen into my life that point me back to painting and make me feel like I have to do this, I HAVE to figure out how to do this all the time. I know for a fact that this is what I need to be doing right now. I also know for a fact this is going to be a process, but I do like the process again. I am so happy for that process. I am back to who I once was, but maybe better. I love people. I love talking to everyone and making friends with everyone. I sort think I am friends with everyone that I meet instantly, not everyone feels the same way, thats okay:) I love chatting about random things. I am fine if my schedule is off. I am back to that way I used to be. I am fine if we get lost in the car. I am fine if I have to start over a painting. Yes, it can be frustrating at times, but its part of my process and I am happy for that. So, this is why I have to paint. Now off to the land of lollipops and unicorns. Just kidding, Not all that I said was fluffy, sort of but not really. Im not really Polly Anna. Doom and gloom. Thats me:)